i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
