Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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