there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
