In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
did i just pee glitter
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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