By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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