we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
