The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
