The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
