So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So here I am, sexting at work.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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