Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
