She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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