Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
