No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
