i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
