just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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