Umm I'm too high to move.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
