She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
