I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
