I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
