woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
