checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
