Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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