Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
