my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
