i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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