apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize