I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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