Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
