We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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