I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
