So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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