i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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