she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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