I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
