my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
