I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
