that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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