Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
