im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
