I wish I could teleport
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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