What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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