I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
