I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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