I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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