Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
