I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
