i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize