well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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