there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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