Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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