i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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