I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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