Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize