I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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