All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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