my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
